Time to roll out the salt again
Along the frozen motorway,
Time to wear one’s gloves again
And find something nice to say -

We propped the tree the week before
And the baubles came crashing down,
One hundred thousand shards of red
And green were in Mum’s frown,
We’ll have a grand old turkey now
And have it with breadcrumbs stuffed;
But oh no! Clearly avian flu
Decided bluetongue wasn’t enough;
We’ll watch it snow in adverts
As our driveways pile up with salt;
And yep, we’ll give him a book again
But it’s not the bookstore’s fault!

Time to roll out the salt again
Along the frozen motorway,
Time to wear one’s gloves again
And find something nice to say –
Time to find your festive mood
In a sea of season’s woes,
Time to pretend you give a damn
About where the fairy lights go –

Watch the Queen’s Speech! A little treat
Or mindless tradition, no?
Each Christmas I just keep on asking
For the tiniest sheet of snow!
I want to walk down city-centre
Without Saint Nick leering off the shelves,
Each year there’s a horde of shoppers
Who keep trying to outdo themselves;
“Ungrateful twats!” My mum retorts
When for our gifts we cannot pay;
“Yeah right; and who fused the fairy lights?”
“But they fused yesterday!”

Time to roll out the salt again
Along the frozen motorway,
Time to wear one’s gloves again
And find something nice to say –
Time to find your festive mood
In a sea of season’s woes,
Time to pretend you give a damn
About where the fairy lights go –
Time to light a roaring fire
And see where Yule’s amiss,
Time to wonder just what the hell
Jesus would think of this –

Oh, ‘tis the season to be jolly,
Fa la la, la, la, la –
The conglomerates will fill our trolleys,
Fa la la, la, la, la.